Suffering
by rain01721
Summary: End of 3x7. The last moments before you feel your soul rip in two. Clexa one-shot.


**I don't know why this is written in second person. It just happened and it felt right.**

You scream her name, in pain, and in fear. You scream "no!" because this is impossible. This is unbelievable. No one this strong can fall.

Lexa collapses and your heart snaps. It shatters, splintering into more than a million pieces. She doesn't deserve this, and neither do you. In a world so full of pain, you deserve better than more suffering. Both of you do.

You have to make this right, you _have_ to, because this is the commander, the only one of the twelve clans showing your people leniency, the only one who doesn't want them all, and consequently you, dead.

You have to make it right for the unsteady truce that you've built - No other commander would honour that, even Aden, he'd be overthrown. Hell, even your own commander wont. The Skaikru seem to have a death sentence considering the war they are instigating and there was no way that the Sky People would be able to avoid the war if Lexa dies by a Skaikru weapon in close proximity to two Skaikru, and two of the criminals, although the prison on the Ark feels like eons ago.

But you have got to make it right because this is Lexa. Lexa who she loved, and had since the first day she had been kissed by the commander. You _need_ to save her. Why did you waste all that time, dancing around in the ashes of your relationship with Finn, a relationship that wasn't even really a relationship? Why hadn't you accepted Lexa straight away, or at least gone after her sooner than moments before you were to be parted forever?

 _Focus Clarke._ You can do this. You had next to nothing when you (mostly) saved Raven's spine. You kept Jasper alive for days even when he was on the brink of death. You brought Lincoln back from being a Reaper, and no one had ever done that before.

But you've killed so many too. All the Trikru in the first battle at the drop ship, nearly 300 of them. And then the Mountain Men, there were around 300 of them too, but how many remain? How many of the 100 you tried to keep safe are alive? Do you deserve to keep Lexa alive when you've taken so many other lives?

And for such selfish reasons too. Yes, you want your people to live, but you want more time with your lover, and out of those which do you really want more? A safe haven with your girlfriend or a population so focused on war, and ending the truce of the twelve clans, to survive?

 _Think Clarke._ What would your mom do? Think like a doctor. You need to stem the bleeding. "I need something to stop the bleeding!" You reassure Lexa, but you don't know what you're saying, you're head's in a hurricane, and both you and Lexa know that you need to reassurance more than her. She tells you not to be afraid. Forget afraid, you're fucking terrified. Bandages appear. Put pressure on the wound. What you really need is a sterilized needle and thread to sew up Lexa's arteries, to sew up her body. Tweezers, to dig the bullet out. Would they have that here? When the 100 first arrived they managed to keep Jasper alive after he'd been speared in the chest. Lincoln fixed Octavia's broken leg.

Lincoln. He's a healer. He would know what to do. But he's back at Arkadia, where battle lines are being drawn, and even if he did make it across, Lexa would be dead by the time he got here.

There's blood dribbling from her mouth. That means the bullet has punctured her lung. There's no way Lexa can survive this. Not without a miracle. But your life has been full of miracles. Is it too much to ask for just one more?

Yes. It is.

You talk to keep your mind from running, surely dismally failing reassure Lexa, who doesn't even need comforting, because you aren't reassuring yourself. Titus comes closer and you can't bear it, because he's killed her, even if she isn't dead yet. Lexa speaks to him in Trigedasleng and you don't translate it, but you hear your name. Lexa is using her final moments to save your life, and you can't even attempt to save hers.

"Don't you dare give up." You warn her. As she indicates to her impending death you reply, "No. I'm not letting you die." But you will. Because as much as you've tried, she's still bleeding, and soon she'll either run out of blood, or choke on it. There's nothing you can do, and both you and Lexa know it. And all you can do is cry. Cry out the pain, anger and fear, everything holding you together.

"The next Commander will protect you."

"I don't want the next Commander. I want you." Your body shakes with sobs, you can't believe that it's going to end like this. But you give up. Medically, she's a lost cause. It's incredible that she's survived this long. If long is a word that can even be used. It's all happened so fast, and yet the pain is so real and so strong. You talk with your lover, until she whispers, "My fight is over." And you break. This is what Trikru say when they die. This is how Trikru die. They're shot. By Skaikru guns. You suddenly feel the pain of the families of everyone you've ever killed as you repeat the last rites of the Skaikru.

"In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey on the ground. May we meet again."

You kiss Lexa goodbye until you feel the life leave her.

Until you feel the life leave you.

 _fin._


End file.
